After my most recent failed relationship, I realized that I am a masochist. And not the fun kind that involves latex, whips, bondage, etc. No, I am an emotional masochist. I've always been told that I give the impression of being the kind of woman who needs to be in control in a relationship, who would never stand for being taken advantage of by a guy or ever put up with their bullshit. Unfortunately, I have become the exact opposite. Apparently my type is controlling, afraid of any sort of commitment, and completely and utterly unavailable emotionally. The past 5 months of my life have been dominated by a guy who wouldn't even make it clear if we were exclusive or not after three months of dating, and only three and a half of those months were actually spent "dating". The other 2 were spent getting over him, and then having a short bout of what I can only describe as amnesia in which I decided I hadn't quite moved on. However, according to his facebook, he has. In less time than we dated he has found himself a new girlfriend, and apparently likes her enough to give her the ~honor of being his girlfriend. How lovely for them. I will admit I've had my fair share of dates and hook ups since we broke up, but unfortunately it was always him for me. Like I said, I seem to have had a slight case of amnesia.
Now I realize how cliche I am about to be by quoting Sex and the City but I recently watched the episode La Douleur Exquise, and this particular Carrie voice over described said relationship perfectly: "Did I really love Big, or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable." I think I became obsessed with the fact that I had to chase after him. I would sit around every night waiting for his text telling me whether or not it was ok to come over, and when he didn't text first I would find reasons to text him which eventually lead to him telling me to come over. We developed a very twisted level of intimacy wherein I slept over almost every night or every other night and had my own toothbrush and contact solution in his bathroom. We even had our own sides of the bed. We'd wake up every morning to his alarm at nine, he'd take a shower, I'd get ready, and then we'd both go our separate ways, me to my apartment and him to work for ridiculous 9-12 hour shifts. In retrospect, the amount of hours we actually spent together not in his apartment or bed during these months would possibly add up to less than a day. From the get go it was sort of a predominantly physical relationship and I think that really set the tone for the duration of our time together. We started out well, but it reached a point where he just got lazy. This was definitely due to the fact that I was so available to him. I love how so many guys will say shit like, "I don't like to play games" or, "I hate it when girls play games." Bitch, please. Men LOVE when women play games, they just don't realize we are playing them. If I had lived somewhere further away or had something else more important to occupy my time, he would have been crazy about me. I know this for a fact because he told me about his ex who lived across town from him and he basically couldn't have her when he wanted so it made him want her more. He is the pinnacle example of a dude with serious relationship ADD. I feel like you need someone who is available to you in order to establish a relationship that can actually go somewhere. At a certain point the games have to end, right? Or am I doomed for life since I'm not elusive and mysterious? Why do women need to be fucking ghosts in order to keep a man interested?
Anyway I've decided that this year I am not taking any more shit from men. I've been taken advantage of and walked all over by far too many assholes. Perhaps it is time for me to become the Sadist, not the masochist? Figuratively speaking...or maybe I should just follow my dream of becoming a Dominatrix? 2011: Dream Big, man.
